The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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