is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize