Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
