im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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