I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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