Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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