its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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