His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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