Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
