you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
