I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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