Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
