Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
