Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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