you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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