maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
