Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
