What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
