he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize