dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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