Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
