she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
