I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize