Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
