Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
