I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
