There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
