She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We need to rekindle our bromance
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
