All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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