Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
