My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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