How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
