I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
