but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
