Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
