i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
