He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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