Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize