No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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