I heard we made out
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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