Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
