im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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