i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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