I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
