$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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