Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
