My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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