dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
