I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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