thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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