I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
