fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
