this beer tastes like vomit already
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Houston, we have a squirter
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
