You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
