Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
