You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize