JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
