Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
