And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
