I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize