I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
bring money and cleavage
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize