So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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