I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
