does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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