I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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