I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
