tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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