Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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