Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
