I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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