just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
