dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
