It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
