My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
