You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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