Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
